I’m on you tube! 🙂 Please watch my performance at The Arcola Theatre in London where I read an extract from my novella entitled Maya. I also read an untitled poem I wrote. Comments gratefully received. 🙂

Dear Reader…

And oh! Dear Reader… he kissed me.

How can I describe how that felt?

Imagine being locked up in a darkened room. You miss the sunshine at first, but then after a while, you become accustomed to the dark. You learn to function in it – hell, you even learn to love it, for the darkness indeed has its own beauty.

In the black you learn to tailor your breathing – keep it short and sharp so you can survive. Through your shortened breathing, your heartbeat changes – your mind sharpens. It learns to get by on less and so cuts off the crap. Loses the luck lustre that lags at the sides. Your stance changes – your being changes.

You change.

You become a different beast altogether. Your eyes – large now, can see. There are shapes in the darkness. There are hell hounds that see you clearly. They have always seen you clearly as if in broad daylight. Your dark was their day and your day their dark – topsy turvy land. But things change.

Now you can see to avoid the jaws of death that previously ripped at your flesh. Not only do you avoid them but you have a snarl of your own, a look that can smote, a hurricane in your throat that can dissipate and obliterate all in your path. Your talons get as sharp as razors and your very presence and appearance is enough to keep the wolves at bay. Your skin, hard like dragon-hide, as scales grow over the soft gelatin of your sensitive parts – and you are powerful.

You roar.

You breathe molten fire and they melt. You grow in stature and are a force to be reckoned with. In the darkness you are Queen.

Until…

The sun burst in. Your large eyes didn’t see him coming. Like a thief hidden by the black light I did not see him come to steal from me. His black wings were camouflaged in my dark world and I deemed him harmless – less than harmless – he didn’t even register on my radar.

Until…

He spread those wings and swooped in faster than my eyes could catch. Faster than my breath could catch. Faster than my talons could catch.

And he kissed me. On the cheek. Goodbye.

And my world imploded.

Diary of a reluctant dater…

The modern-day dating debacle – a pessimist’s view.

Well, we are in late July. And it has been months since my brand new attitude to stop being such a hermit and get out there more. This included getting into the wonderful world of dating!

Using the sandwich technique, I will say my positives first, then the real stuff, and end with a positive. 🙂 So – I have actually had 5 dates so far!!  *Woo Hoo! I have smashed my target of having A date, and so for that I give myself an enormous pat on the back! I have even managed, somehow, to ask someone out! He said no, but, that’s by the by. Haha! I actually did it, and for that I am super proud of myself. 🙂 ( I still won’t be repeating the whole asking others out scenario though! Way too stressful!)

And so, date #5 yesterday. Italian lothario who kept calling me ‘baby’ – a pet hate of mine. I was over an hour late… purely a mistake! My sense of direction is awful so I got lost but he patiently waited, which was good. But, there are rules, (perhaps unsaid) and unfortunately this young man ( I use the term ‘young’ loosely… he was my age! And not some young fit thing in his 20’s! haha. Those days are gone. I’m a proper adult now 😉 ) and sadly, he broke quite a few of them.

Unsaid rule #1: Don’t call me ‘baby’ or ‘babe’ – I really do not like it! To me, it can only mean certain things. Firstly that you call all girls baby because you can’t be bothered to learn individual names. Secondly, it implies a closeness that quite frankly isn’t  there, and thirdly, if I’m the baby… then who are you?  – the paedophilic adult? Hmm… feels patronising and ridiculous and just plain wrong to me – I don’t like it. This time, I did say that I didn’t like it, but he still slipped up and called me baby. (grrr)

Unsaid rule #2: Don’t touch my car stereo without asking!! What is it with men that I allow to sit in the front seat, feel they have to mess with my car stereo? I rarely get a chance to listen to music but if I am in MY car, listening to MY music, please don’t feel you have permission to just fiddle the dial and turn it down. The volume was acceptable to me and seeing as it is MY car, surely that’s who it needs to be acceptable to? Next time, I’ll insist he sits in the back… see how he likes that! Haha! Who’s the baby then!?

Unsaid rule #3: Leave my driving alone, unless I ask for help. So I need to turn my car around, I’m perfectly capable of turning my car around! I have been a driver for 9 years now and know how to maneuver my car. I wasn’t even in difficulty! But no, he hops out the car and proceeds to direct me where I need to go and which way I need to turn the wheel. (!) Er… I don’t even think he has a driving licence! Would he have done that if I was a man driving? No, of course not. Big mistake number… umpteen… don’t treat me as an inferior airhead.

Unsaid rule #4 and 5: I’m a really accepting and tolerant person (!) but if you are going to smoke, you cannot be a coffee drinker as well. This guy was a smoker, and not only did he drink coffee, but he drank strong coffee. Hello? Do people not know what a lethal combination this is? It makes you absolutely reek! And for a non smoker such as myself, the smell was… overpowering… which leads me nicely to #5 : the state of your teeth. They need to be clean/ white… like teeth. Don’t people know this? This guy’s teeth were brown! ( from the coffee and cigarettes). No wonder he never gave a full open mouthed smile. He must not know… but how can he not know? But, he must not know otherwise he’d do something! Urgh… Really, am I asking too much? Normal clean teeth? Not if I have to peck him on the cheek quickly at the end of the date.. ( Getting that close, I might pass out. It’s a real risk!) Or am I rude enough to just extend my hand in a handshake instead? Haha! No, I’m not rude enough, but I have to confess to holding my breath before the peck on the cheek goodbye.

Unsaid rule #6: Don’t try too hard. This one was from date number 4 with a different man. Don’t wear too much aftershave. Although, this one I can forgive because he was trying really hard. But, it has to be said, my eyes were watering and by the end of the date, I felt sick… I was also dripping wet. This belongs to Unsaid rule #6: Try not to spill drinks over your date. Yes, this guy knocked a large glass of coke, with ice cubes all over me. I was soaking, cold and sticky by the time I went back to my car… not to mention feeling sick from breathing in all his aftershave fumes.

Unsaid rule #7: Maybe think about what you’re wearing. If it’s casual, that’s fine but at I’d try not to make any bold fashion statements. This rule, I suppose, maybe me just being picky (!) The man had on what I lovingly refer to as ‘devil shoes’. The front was split into what looks like hoofs. A personal pet hate of mine again, ( how was he supposed to know that I find them an enormous turn off). And men from a previous year have come along to the date filthy and smelling of horse manure, another was wearing a shell suit… but that’s my fault. What did I expecting saying yes to a guy in his 20’s!? Haha!

Unsaid rule #8: Don’t be too eager. At least act like you’re interested in who I am rather than just jumping into my knickers! Telling me I have a sexy body, I don’t see as a good sign. Maybe just say something a little more conservative, like, I dunno… I look really nice?

Unsaid rule #9: Along with the eager beaver theme, also think carefully about what you are actually saying! I took a friends advice and decided to try and do what he called ‘blitzing the dating’ and get as many as possible. ( Which is rather difficult as I don’t get asked out regularly… reading my unsaid rules, I’m beginning to see why!! hahaha!) When chatting to a potential, he asked what I was doing and I said I was just snoozing  on the sofa.. He replied by asking if he could join me, to which I just laughed, but he pursued it, so I said that I didn’t actually know him well enough for that. ( We had sent maybe 4 messages.) To which he said, ‘How are you gonna get to know me?’

Well, I’m no genius, but I thought that was the whole point of the messaging. So, I didn’t know what to say to that, clearly he was a bit dim. He then sent another message… ‘Do I look like a serial killer?’ (!) That was all I needed. Needless to say, I know enough now to steer clear of that one.

Unsaid rule #10: Don’t love yourself up too much. Another has mentioned more times than necessary that he’s a personal trainer and a part time model. I tried, I really did. I tried to have a conversation but it didn’t work. Just one word answers, simple phrases is what I got in return from what I’m beginning to see is a Himbo ( Male Bimbo.) This morning, I awoke to a message from him saying, ‘Here’s more pics of me! x.’ ( The tone being rather jovial, American cheerleader-like!) No less than 11 pictures of him in different poses, different situations. He really does remind me of Barbie’s Ken.

I’m tempted to ask him if he can string a sentence together – but that would be rude – and I’m not rude 😉

To sum things up, not much improvement since my ‘dating debacle’ blog. I’m still on that impossible task of finding a normal man that I actually like, who can have a decent conversation and is presentable – no biggie. I gather I am difficult to please… a hard taskmaster,  I’m told, but in all honesty, I don’t think so. It makes perfect sense to me that all the good ones have been taken – they are either married or gay. But, #rocking chair test… I don’t want to get to an old lady and realise that I never really tried. So I’m trying.

 

To end on a positive in line with my sandwiching technique… erm…

?

I survived to tell the tale. 🙂